A brown Christmas
What doesn't confund you makes you stronger
Christmas in Catalunya is perfectly normal.
Sure, they do the gift giving on January 6th for Three Kings, but there’s still the Sweet Baby Jesus thing on the 25th. It just happens that it’s then followed by Saint Stephen’s Day on the 26th. While anyone British would recognize (recognise) this as Boxing Day, it’s also very much a Catalan thing that isn’t done in the rest of Spain. It’s crucial as in addition to giving another day of holiday, it also gives the opportunity to eat canelons (cannelloni), made with the meat people didn’t eat on the 25th.
But otherwise, it’s all perfectly normal.
There’s a tree and there are gifts (again, given on the 6th, not the 25th) but it generally seems like any other Euro Christmas.
It’s not until your second Christmas or so that Catalans will fully let you in on the Caga Tió. You may miss it your first Christmas in the region as it starts a bit before the holidays as one begins to ‘feed’ it on the Day of Immaculate Conception which is December 8th and apparently celebrates Mary, not Sweet Baby Jesus.
What is a Caga Tió? Shouldn’t it be obvious? It’s a log with a smiley face, some stubby little stick legs, and usually that traditional Catalan red cap or barretina. More important than its looks however is the fact that the Tió, is fucking hungry.
Children need to feed it up until Christmas Eve at which point, this magical creature will then use all its weeks-long reserves of food to shit out presents.
This does deviate a touch from the Euro Christmas norms. But, as all Americans know, Europeans get six months of vacation a year to give a break from their 12 hour work weeks and they can use this time off whenever they want. This makes for diverse approaches to all aspects of life. So, we accept the Tió.
How the shitted presents arrive however is fascinating as children beat the Tió with a stick, whilst chanting a song for it crap out good gifts. No sardines thank you. And nothing big as the Tió is but one log and the Three Magi are going to be along shortly with proper gifts anyways, just keep an eye on Melchior as he always looks a bit handsy.
Could one think of the Tió as a Christmas stocking hung by the chimney with care? Sure. Except that you feed it, and it shits gifts… once beaten by sticks. Otherwise, it’s exactly like a stocking and everything looks Euro Christmas normal.
Then one day in December you’re walking along the waterfront in Barcelona and pop into the Maremagnum shopping center, only to be confronted by a 10 meter tall peasant sculpture, with his pants down, taking a crap.
This is perhaps slightly less normal and it’s often how many people then learn about the caganer, or literally, the crapper.
While the white-shirted, barretina character is perhaps the most common incarnation, they come in all shapes and forms. And let it be known that if a caganer has been made of you, this is how you know you’ve made it. Star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame be damned. If there isn’t a figure in your likeness taking a dump and available for sale in Barcelona, you are but one more sweaty plebe amongst the billions.
The caganer features quite heavily in Christmas proper as he’s become a key figure in the nativity scene.
There’s Mary, Joseph, Jesus, Magi, sacrificial lambs, Teamsters, and of course, a caganer taking a dump in some corner out of the way as, make no mistake, he is no savage.
Why is he in the nativity scene? It’s claimed to be tradition. It’s claimed that he symbolizes all of humanity via an act performed by everyone. It’s also the case that he makes a fine afront to Catholic dogma in the very un-religious Catalunya.
But there he is and should always be.
One year, in the official nativity scene of Barcelona at Plaça de Sant Jaume, they left out the caganer as the city council at that moment thought it too crass. Needless to say, such an error was never to be repeated as complaints were raised, ‘They may take our lives, but they’ll never take our man shitting behind the Virgin Mary!’
Otherwise, the acts of a Catalan Christmas are overall rather normal. Meals are had, drinks are drunk, and brothers and/or cousins in-law share their unwanted opinions about politics and The Gays.
One just needs to look past the gift-shitting logs and crapping figurines to ultimately see that yes, Euro Christmas is alive and well in Catalunya with no huge surprises.
Oh, you’re still surprised?
Well just remember that once the Caga Tió craps out toilet paper, s’ha acabat el bròquil, the broccoli, is finished.